Self Compassion as a Powerful Ally in Therapy
It is well known to us that we can be our own worst critics. Think about the last mistake you made. How did you respond? Did you call yourself names? Think about how you never get it right? Tell yourself you’re the only one who struggles? Did that response help? I imagine not. Yet, so many of us default to this and wind up in the quicksand of negative self talk. Let’s try something new. Self compassion is a way of approaching onself like we would others. As you’ll learn, it can be a compliment to your efforts in therapy and beyond.
Self compassion is a therapeutic concept popularized by Dr. Kristin Neff. At face value, self compassion refers to reflecting the same empathy, patience, and love onto yourself that you would for others. Dr. Neff further breaks down self compassion into three main components: self kindness, humanity, and mindfulness.
Self kindness refers to meeting yourself with warmth, encouragement, and patience in response to a mistake or struggle. In other words, not piling on yourself. We can soothe ourselves using self compassion. It is a way to practice giving ourselves the unconditional love we deserve. Some helpful mantras include: “may I learn to accept myself as I am”, “I have always been good enough”, and “mistakes do not define me”. Self compassion emphasizes we are constantly trying to do our best. This reminder instills in us we are human- we are not supposed to be perfect. It is the comfort we seek from others that we can give ourselves. Replacing the negative self talk can allieviate the distress we feel faster.
Relatedly, connecting to our common humanity is another key component of self compassion. In the face of adversity, we may feel isolated from others and think, “why me?” Think of all the underdog books and movies we collectively enjoy- we root for others when they encounter adversity. Neff describes this as zooming out and recognizing that while our struggles may be unique, we are not alone in facing challenges. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) developed the notion of radical acceptance, that fighting reality creates more suffering than objectively accepting things as they are. A famous quote that is often attributed to DBT says “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”. Tara Brach refers to radical acceptance as a “cultivation of mindfulness and compassion.” When we nonjudgementally accept we’ve messed up and address the problem, we are saving ourselves the pain of beating ourselves up. It is important to remember that our imperfections and vulnerabilities make us human. It is part of the shared human condition to struggle and grow through that struggle, not evidence of inadequacy.
To be clear, self compassion is not a free pass to avoid taking responsibility for ourselves. Self compassion helps us see that in the face of mistakes, we are worthy of the effort and improvement needed to make them right. In fact, research has demonstrated that self compassion use actually increases a person’s likelihood to take responsibility for wrongdoings and repair them. Seeing ourselves as part of the human collective also reminds us that our hardships are just one piece in a much larger puzzle. This can help us once again see through a more objective lens.
Mindfulness as a core tenant of self compassion refers to observing our experiences without judgement or “overidentification” with unhelpful thoughts. Doing this impacts our ability to rectify a situation because we can no longer view it objectively. Feeling guilt can actually be adaptive and help us understand how to correct our behavior to be more in line with our values. Feeling icky about being dishonest with a friend helps us see that we would like to be honest with those close to us, and can help us course correct. Zooming out and taking a birds eye view of our circumstances can help us make sense of them. Oftentimes, we do not consider the myriad variables interacting with our circumstances, and make face-value judgements of ourselves and our responses.
Consider a young woman who punishes herself for missing a deadline at work. She uses berating self talk. In her eyes, she ‘should’ have been able to manage this. Let’s zoom out and consider that she is a new mom to a 6-week-old and this is her first week back to work. Let’s consider that her job has moved to a new operating system and she has just lost a parent. She has a lot going on that likely has impacted her sleep, executive functioning, distress tolerance, and time. As outsiders, we can see how hard she is being on herself. Self compassion may look like this mom accepting she is juggling a lot of demands with limited resources, and anyone would struggle with that set up. In treatment, we would want this mom to meet herself here with kindness and remember she is doing her best. It’s hard to feel you are not meeting your expectations of yourself, but that does not mean you are a failure. Owning and accepting this is a huge step towards addressing the necessary changes to be made. And we all have set ups like this, it does not need to be as extreme as our example. On any given day, there are so many variables and factors that influence how we respond to our world, and exploring this in therapy using a self compassionate lens can be beneficial.
The research is encouraging for self compassion as a powerful ally in treatment. In metaanalyses, mindfulness-based therapeutic approaches have demonstrated prompt as well as maintained efficacy in supporting those managing anxiety, depression, and stress. Studies have shown that using self compassion tools are related to client improvement as “lower levels of mental health symptoms” and positive “well being.” Meta-analysis of compassion-focused therapy approaches also demonstrated reduction in psychological distress when compared to control groups. These results are exciting, and indicate a need to further study how self compassion can be used to boost treatment interventions. We’re getting feedback that improving a person’s relationship with themselves and their self talk can have positive benefits for their mental health.
Self compassion and its core tenants are important layers that can be a complement to treatment. Everyone on this planet has struggled in some way. Consider a self compassionate response in the wake of your next mistake, hardship, or stressor. Pour the empathy and nonjudgement you hold for others back into yourself. Folks come to therapy with something they want to improve, manage, or understand better. Imagine how helpful it would be to see our problems as shared human dilemmas instead of personal failings. Imagine how helpful it would be to cheer ourselves on in the process of self improvement. To see truly and objectively, we are all just doing out best.
